Chapter 4


Chapter 4


I did go back to LTE to see if anything new had happened but there were no new posts. I messed around the internet for a long time, watching old interviews Edward had done on YouTube. I watched several fan-made videos and then posted them on the web site I had just built for him. I couldn’t believe I had done something like that. It was so out of character for me. All of this was, but I couldn’t stop. Nothing else interested me now.

I went to MEoW and read several old posts.  I caught myself giggling more times than I cared to admit. These women were so blunt but the bad part was, I couldn’t disagree with them. It just wasn’t in me to talk that way. I could never be that bold and brazen, my crippling shyness prevented it. But I giggled and snickered over all of it just the same.

I had my mp3 player on the entire time listening to Edward’s songs. It was rarely off these days. I was as addicted to his voice, in any form, singing, talking, sighing and giggling, as I was to his face and his personality and OK, yeah, his body too. Good Lord, the man had it all. There was always something new and different to discover about him. Every day I grew more Edsessed and though I was completely aware of it, it didn’t matter. There was no one else like him and I knew there never would be.

When I realized how late it was getting, I tried to sleep but I couldn’t. Edward wouldn’t leave my thoughts. I heard his Edorkable man-giggle, I heard his sighs, I heard his music, now ingrained in my memory, and as I closed my eyes, I saw his handsome face. I tried to think about his movies and kept coming back to the things he said in his interviews. It made me wonder what his life was like on a daily basis. What had it been like before the fame struck? Was he happy now? Before long, I gave up on trying to sleep. It was useless now, I had too many questions. I grabbed my laptop, crawled back into bed and started typing. Two hours later, I had written a poem and had it published to my website. It was so strange. I hadn’t been inspired to write poetry in years and here I was finishing my second one to Edward. A man I never met was inspiring me to do things that I had been unable to do for years. I smiled as I looked at his face one last time before I closed my laptop. I knew I could sleep now.

I dreamed of Edward again, waking up with a huge smile on my face. Maybe that’s why, even though I didn’t sleep much, I was so happy. In my dreams, he was with me. Whenever I slept, he was always there waiting. I forced myself not to reach for my laptop until after I had showered and had my breakfast. It was harder than I thought not to reach for my laptop, in essence not to reach for him.


After Jasper and Alice left, I was still humiliated that I didn’t realize what Sofa King was. At the same time, it was hilarious. “Sofa King”, I snorted. These women were so clever.

I punched my pillow for the fifth time trying to get comfortable. It was no use. It wasn’t that I couldn’t get comfortable, it was that I couldn’t get certain images out of my head. When Jasper and Alice had gone, I went back to the link she had provided and started to explore that site. The home page said the site was, “lovingly dedicated to the talented and inhumanly beautiful Edward Cullen.” I didn’t know whether to roll my eyes or be flattered at that. I knew it was meant as a compliment, so I took it that way, but I didn’t think I’d ever get used to being called Beautiful.

The rest of the home page was about my schedule for the year. It was written in letter format. It mentioned the Water for Elephants movie that was about to be released, as well as the Breaking Dawn films we were working on and the photo shoots I would surely be doing in the not so distant future. At the bottom of the page it was signed, Sincerely, EdwardsDream-gurl. Was this “her” web site? Had she created this because of me? It certainly appeared that way. I knew there were hundreds of websites out there about me and about Twilight. For some inexplicable reason though, I was surprised that she had done this. That she had gone to all the trouble to create a site on my behalf.

There was a picture underneath the signature that matched “her” avatar. I looked at it closely, it wasn’t a photograph but I’d seen advertisements on the web that said they could take a photograph of you and make a cartoon of it. If this was a cartoon made from a photograph, then this had to be a beautiful woman in reality. She was facing toward the camera, looking down with her forehead resting against her palm, obscuring the left side of her face. She had high cheek bones, full lips and beautiful brown eyes. She was wearing a burnt-orange, off the shoulder blouse that deepened in color to brown as it traveled up the sleeve. She had long, thick dark auburn hair. Thin wisps of her wavy, dark hair fell across her forehead here and there and it was parted on the side. Her bangs drifted down over the left side of her face helping to obscure it as well giving her a look that was a combination of sexiness and shyness, seduction and embarrassment. Boy, I thought, those words were polar opposites but they were fitting, both for the picture and what I “knew” (if you could call it that) of her so far. I had no way of knowing if this was an actual depiction of what this woman looked like but my mind produced a “real  life” version of what I imagined she looked like based on this picture and that was how I now saw her. Sexy, shy, elegant, demure, sofa king hot and Beautiful inside and out.

I clicked onto the next page and by the time I was done reading it, I knew I would never be the same again. That was when this mysterious, intriguing woman took over my life.

The page was entitled, “Edward’s Music”. I almost clicked off the page without scrolling through it but at the last moment, I thought there might be a picture of her on it somewhere so I scrolled through it quickly. I didn’t know how she had done it but there were 6 short gray bars on the page. Each one of them had a play button on it. I clicked on the first one just to see if it was what I thought it was. I was correct in assuming it was a recording of each of my songs. Beneath each bar was a picture of me along with the title of the song and the lyrics. At the bottom of the page I found a letter. It wasn’t directly addressed to me, but it was for me.

Your voice has changed me, forever.  I close my eyes and I see you there, the guitar in your arms. As I listen I can see your hands, so strong and warm, your long, elegant fingers, strumming away at the strings, expertly manipulating the notes from your guitar. Then, oh then you begin to hum and my whole world stops. I hear your voice, deep, powerful, strong, passionate, full of desire and emotions. It lifts me from my world and carries me away to places that are beyond my grasp any other way. Your voice washes over me, fills me with desire and passion like nothing I have ever known. I can neither explain nor express what moves through my heart and soul. My mind is filled with visions of your smile, your hands caressing my skin, your lips upon mine, images race through my mind like a wildfire fueled by the passion in your voice. They pour through me like liquid gold. For the first time in my life I feel alive, vibrant. And now you’ve hit the high note in the song and I can feel my soul pirouette with joy at the sound of it…

I sat up in bed and raked my hand through my hair. I tossed my pillow angrily against the headboard and leaned back against the bed. Damn it! I reached for my cigarettes in the dark and lit one, exhaling in aggravation. I had the damn words memorized now. Both the words and images she painted with them were etched there on the canvas of my mind, forever haunting me. She was amazing. Her words were so eloquent, graceful, beautiful, mysterious, intoxicating, seductive and yet all she had done was describe the feeling a song had made her feel. MY SONG, MY VOICE, me, Edward Cullen. I had influenced this…? I couldn’t find the words to describe what I was reading. I only knew that her words were now touching me, changing me, moving me.

I hear you chuckle for just a moment in the song and it’s like an unexpected intimate caress that shocks and thrills. Your rhythm and harmony has never stopped, but continued to build. Then your voice is pouring over me again with warm tones caressing my soul like the warmth of your hand traveling the length of my spine. I tremble with anticipation for I know what is coming next…

I closed my eyes, this was what had sealed my fate. I knew that as long as I lived I would never forget these words or the images they invoked.

The beauty and power of your voice fills me, strength, power, pure desire and heat thrills through me as we drift to the end of the song. I hear your soft chuckle and the softly spoken words, “Ohh, man,” I picture you pulling me close to your side to rest my head upon your chest, I see the smile on your face and I know your voice has just made love to my soul.

Yes, Edward, I “look at you with eyes that see.”  I hear you with my heart, and my soul is reaching out to you.


“Damn, that was fit,” I said it out loud then and I thought it now as I remembered her words. Not only was it fit, it blew me away. It left me breathless every time I read it, as well as aroused. There was so much said, so artfully described, a picture painted so clearly with words it was like a photograph. I know your voice has just made love to my soul’, “Wow,” I said. From a musician’s stand point, how beautiful was that statement. In my eyes it was the best compliment I could ever receive.

I wasn’t getting any sleep any time soon so I decided to grab my laptop and a Coke and see if I could learn anymore about her. I checked through MEoW and LTE, still nothing new from any of my girls. I found the link she had posted earlier and followed it back to her site. This time I remembered to save it to my favorites so that I wouldn’t have to hunt for it anymore. I clicked on another page that lead to her poetry. Although there had been nothing but the one poem earlier, I checked it any way and found that there was a new poem now. I noticed that it was posted at 4:20 a.m. That was only 3:20 my time, making her an hour ahead of me. She was up late again, writing about me. I was flattered but I wondered if she was sleeping at all? I wondered if she was still on this site. I wondered if I was just a click away from talking to her. I searched quickly to see if there was a way to tell if she was online. I felt my heart racing with the thought of it. It was absolutely ridiculous how excited I was at the prospect that she may be here in the same “room” with me. I could find no way to tell if she was on line or not. The disappointment that filled me at this realization was disgusting. WTF was wrong with me? While I had been searching for her, I saw that the site was only created two days before. Maybe that meant she’d be adding more information as time went on. Maybe if I could learn more about her, I could get over this fascination I was developing for her. I decided to go back to where I had started and read the poem she had just posted moments ago. After having read the poem once, I copied and pasted it to my note pad and then typed in an answer to each of her questions. I don’t know why I did it, I just wanted to see my answers next to her questions.



 It’s very late and I wonder where you are now,

 It’s long past work hours and partying time.

 Are you just getting back from where you’ve been? No, I’ve been here all night.

 Are you resting peacefully in your bed?  No, I can’t stop thinking about you.

Are you just waking up and reaching for coffee? Not yet but maybe soon.

 Are you in the shower getting ready for the day? Not yet but I’m running out of time.

 Are you stepping out the door heading for work? No but I will be soon.

 Are your steps joyful? More like preoccupied.

Are you anxious to get there? Only so that I can get back here to you.

What’s on your mind? Are you dreading the day? You are. Not if it goes quickly.

 Are you anticipating the end of this project? Yes, I have other things I’d like to do.

 Are you in a hurry to start the next project?  Not particularly. I’d like some time to be me.

 Are you dreading it? No. I’m looking forward to it, in time.

 Is there a someone special on your mind? There is now.

 Do you miss your home? Your family? At times, yes, very much.

Are you glad all this has happened to you?  In the long run, yes.

 Do you wish it hadn’t? No, I don’t wish that.

Do you miss your old life? Just the freedom of it.

 Would you rather be working on your music? Sometimes. I do miss it.

Do you still feel in a rush to get things done? Yes, I don’t like to waste time.

 Does it all still seem like a dream? Very much so. So do you.

 Are you still waiting to wake up from this dream?  Sometimes. It all seems surreal. So do you.

 I see that far off look in your eyes at times,

 Where do you go when that happens? Right now, to you. Wherever you are.

 Is it a memory that haunts you? Or a regret? No, just some well-chosen words.

Or is it a dream you have yet to achieve? Yes, you are becoming just that.

Is it someone you’re longing for? You are now.

 Strange that I should feel closest to you when you get that look, It shouldn’t be, you’re becoming the reason for it.

 Simply because I get that look too,                                                          

 For that’s when you are crossing my mind, Like you are crossing mine right now.

 And I’m watching you walk by,  I see more than that thanks to your words.

 Forever distant and out of reach, No, not forever, Just awhile.

 Yet always right here with me in my heart, making me smile, Yes, you make me smile too.

 In my mind, making me curious, I know the feeling,

 In my soul, moving me to laughter, to tears, to longing… Yes, I’m familiar with the longing part too.

 Where are you now? What’s on your mind? In my trailer. I’m thinking of you.

I stared at her poem with my answers on it for the longest time. As if staring at it would give me answers about her. I wondered what she would do if she knew what my answers were. Curiosity about me kept her up at night? Remarkable. I’m really not that interesting. I couldn’t understand the so called obsession so many women claimed to have. I truly believed that most of them were infatuated with the romantic possibilities behind the vampire character. They just had me so linked to the character that they couldn’t separate me from him. But this, everything I had read from her so far was about me. Other than the first page of her web site, which is almost always an information page anyway, there was no reference to anything I had done professionally. Which meant she hadn’t become “Edsessed”, as they called it, through the Twilight movies.  Seems like curiosity was keeping us both awake tonight I thought as I minimized the notepad window.

There was a knock at the door and I knew it was Jasper. I had spent so much time pondering over her that I had lost track of time. I was due in hair and make-up on the set and I wasn’t even dressed yet.

“Come in Jazz’” I said. “I’ll be ready in a minute,” I told him when he gave me a WTF look.

“Is everything okay with you Edward?” he asked.

“Yes, fine.” When I returned from getting dressed I realized I’d left my laptop open. I was more than a little miffed to see jasper sitting at the table reading her webpage. Jasper looked up as I entered the room, suddenly looking like a kid caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

“She’s different,” Jasper said, peering up at me from the chair.

“Yes, she is,” I stated, making a point of closing my laptop without ever taking my eyes off Jasper. He got the point. Thankfully, he didn’t mention her again. However, it wasn’t lost on me that I wasn’t the only one to pick up on the fact that she wasn’t like the others. Later, when I had more information, I would ask Jasper what had made him say that but for now, I didn’t like the fact that he knew about her. I shook off the voice in my head that told me I was being jealous. I just needed sleep. I was now working on twenty-eight hours with no sleep.

By 8 a.m. the shoot was on hold yet again. Gratefully, I wouldn’t be needed in tomorrow’s shoot, so far, and maybe in that time they could get the problems on the set worked out. I did have a couple of hours of training to do which I would be glad for. Maybe the physical exertion would work out some of this pent up energy and anxiety. Until then, it looked like it was going to be another hurry-up and wait day. I was anxious to see the days’ postings on MEoW. It was Wednesday and they always had a funny post on Wednesday. Once I had a cup of coffee and a smoke in my hands, I opened my laptop. It was still on her page and before I was too tempted and side tracked, I exited out of it. Besides, I was hoping she had gone to bed and was still sleeping.

I typed MEoW into my search engine and waited. The topic that popped up had me chuckling and nearly choking on my coffee.

OFFICIAL MEoW Wardrobe Request for Edward Cullen

So a few of you may remember how a few months back I wrote about how much I missed the sexpender pants because Edward hadn’t worn them in public since late 2009. So of course, I begged him to wear them the next time he was out where the paps would spot him and then this happened.

What followed was a picture of me wearing my Stoli shirt and black pants with attached suspenders dangling. The girls had dubbed them sexpenders. I had seen the blog where they were talking about how I hadn’t wore them in such a long time and how they had missed them. So, just for the hell of it, I had worn them the following Saturday. Of course, the paps saw me and followed me everywhere and by morning the pictures had reached MEoW. It was just my way of saying hello. In the end, they wondered if it wasn’t just a coincidence and wanted to test the theory but since Jet, MEoW’s creator, hadn’t officially requested another “clothing acknowledgement”, I hadn’t worn any of the other bloggers’ suggestions. Sticking with Jet’s requests was the only way I knew for sure to let them know I did read their blogs whenever I could.

Right away, I had comments to put out another request and I had lots and lots of suggestions. I really wanted to make the next request be something I genuinely think Edward looks f*cking hot in as well as something really obscure that we haven’t seen for a while. In other words I wanted to be really scientific and distinct, no coincidences. So I haven’t mentioned these requests in my regular forum haunts or on twitter. As well, given the size of EDWARDS’s teeny tiny mustard colored duffle bag, I thought I should make 2 requests in case he’s not travelling with all 6 of the shirts he owns. LOL

They did love to pick on me about my clothing. I didn’t see the point of bringing 100 changes of clothing when I spent most of my time in costume anyway. I wore what I was comfortable in.

But Alas, he began shooting Breaking Dawn and thanks to a certain Director who shall remain nameless *coughbillcondoncough* the set was locked down, and “The Pretty” has disappeared from our very hungry eyes.

The song “Hungry eyes” from Dirty Dancing began to play at this point and I couldn’t help but laugh.

And Now it was confirmed by Scummit Entertainment that the cast and Crew of the Breaking Dawn set would be packing up this weekend and relocating to Vancouver. Which means Ladies, if we know it, then the paps know it…

At this point I ripped my cell phone out of my pocket and dialed Jasper’s number. He answered on the first ring.

“What can I do for you, brother?” he asked.

“What the Fuck Jasper, is it true we’re relocating to Vancouver this weekend?”

“Edward, what’s wrong with you? Bill told everyone yesterday we were leaving this weekend. You were right there. It’s one of the main reasons you are not needed in the shoot tomorrow.” Jasper said. I could hear the concern in his voice. I could just see him, holding his phone out in front of him looking at it confused and then looking at Alice and shrugging. I didn’t have to be there to know that Alice would be at his side.

“I don’t remember that.” I told him. I heard a shuffling noise and then Alice’s voice was on the line.

“Remember yesterday when you zoned out Edward? It was then. I don’t know what’s been on your mind lately but, if you need to talk to someone about it, we’re here for you.

“I’m fine, Alice. I know you are and I thank you. I’ve just been a little distracted lately.” I said and hung up. I raked my hand through my hair in exasperation, realizing too late that I had just messed up Rose’s work and that I’d have to hear about it later.

I turned back to my computer. Let’s see what else I didn’t know about my own life, I thought sarcastically. It was my own fault, I knew that.

…and if the paps know it then we will get to see our Edward!

So, since there is a small chance we will get to see HHH and an even smaller chance that he actually reads our little blog, I thought I’d put it to the test to find out once and for all if the pretty is aware of us.

HHH, that still killed me. It stood for “His Holy Hotness”. These girls certainly needed to get some glasses.

So, here we go…what shall it be…

Request #1

Edward, I can’t tell you how much your “CullenSluts” and female fans love to see you in color. Several months ago you caused us to have hours of multiple EdGasms when you blessed us by hauling the blue Bali shirt out of the mothballs. DAMN you look f*cking fine in blue…any blue. But you also look Ravishing in red. So, my first request is for the color red, specifically I’d love to see you in your “not your average horse show” red shirt & the sexpender pants.  Holy hell, Edward Cullen and horse in the same sentence…my mind goes straight to the EDGUTTER. YUMM.  The ladies in the Boom Boom Room were also hoping you’d drag out the unlaced sexboots (docs) but I’m thinking it might be a little too hot. Plus if you wore the red horse shirt, the sexpender pants AND the sexboots there would no doubt be a body count over at the BBR, we’d all be DIED.

I was LMAO now. ‘CullenSluts’, ‘Edgasms’, ‘Edgutter’, what a riot! Unlike at TLE, these women here at MEoW had no qualms about their choice of words (Jasper had told me that TLE may have a filter on it that prevented them from using foul language since many of the women here went to TLE as well). I had no idea what the ‘Boom Boom Room’ was but from the sound of it, it was probably pretty raunchy. Beneath was a picture of me from three years ago wearing the exact outfit Jet had just described. Beneath that was the following caption, along with request #2.


Edward + red Shirt referencing a horse = JET’s mind blissfully in the gutter


Request #2

This one is a little out there, but MissB will appreciate it…Edward please break out the Plain Gravy black tee & the sexpender pants. Yep, that’s what I said. Why this shirt? Well, first you look abso-f*cking Edorkable in it and a little drunk & dirty too. The thought of you and gravy… ugh DAMMIT I’m back in the f*cking gutter again. *looks around, l don’t seem to be alone here heehee*

I made the mistake of taking a drink of my coffee at this point and wound up having it come out my nose when I tried to laugh at her comment.

Oh Yea Edward, if you can team up the *gulp* gravy shirt with the sexpender pants and the “unlaces” sex boots, oh GOD…everything is going black……

Again what followed was a picture of me from a few years ago wearing the requested outfit and the following caption beneath it.


Okay peeps so officially, I am only asking for either of those shirts to be worn with the sexpender pants, the sex boots are optional & I will be fine with the shiteous Nikes.

“Shiteous Nikes”, I snorted. What was wrong with my Nikes? I liked them.

Alright, let’s see if Edward really does troll the internet & visit MEoW…oh yea and Sam if you read this, make sure you email your umm friend the link heehee.

My phone was ringing and I wasn’t a bit surprised to see it was my friend Sam Bradley.

“Edward! How are you?”

“I’m fine and yourself?”

“I’m well, thank you. So, I hear you’re off to Vancouver?”

“Apparently,” I said, sounding a bit snarky even to my own ears. “I just found out a few minutes ago.”

“Ah, the fans are one step ahead of you as usual I take it.” Sam replied with a laugh. “Have you been to MEoW yet today?”

“Yes, I’m there now. How do you think I knew what I’m going to be doing this weekend?” I laughed. Sam’s loud guffaws rang in my ears. It really was quite funny. I often learned or checked my schedule through the internet sites. They always seemed to know more than I did about it and they knew it days before I did. It was baffling really how they got their information but it was nearly always accurate.

“You know, they talk about what you wear all the time. You should give them a thrill and post them a message. I’ve done it.”

“When did you do that? And why?”

“I posted at LTE. They did a blog on how You copied my song.” Sam was teasing me now. It was an old argument but one we never got tired of. “I met Jet at a show I did. She’s a nice lady. I told her we watch her blog. Then, when you wore those suspenders to prove it, it made their day.”

“I believe it was you who stole my song. I’ll see if I have any of their wardrobe requests with me but I don’t think I’ll post. I adore these women and their blogs but…”

“C’mon Edward, you’ve been worried that the lock down is going to have an adverse effect on your films. These women at MEoW and LTE are definitely your most loyal fans. They will be the ones to help keep your career alive if all this secrecy backfires on Bill Condon. Just let them know you are aware of them and that you care about them too. I know you do. What harm could it do?”

“Maybe you’re right.” I said and started typing before I could talk myself out of it.


Hello, Cullen here.

You girls crack me up. Sam too.

I shall see if I can dig up my red horse shirt for you.

With love love love

Edward and Sam (That twit who stole my song!)

“I see that. Twit huh?” Sam said with a laugh.

“Good-bye, Sam. And thanks.” I laughed.

“You’re welcome, friend.”

Emmett opened my trailer door.  “Edward, they’re waiting for you.” He said, his massive frame shrinking my trailer instantly.

“Well, shit!”