Waiting in the Twilight
I didn’t know what had come over me lately. I hadn’t done a single thing but hunt for anything and everything I could find on Edward Cullen. Since the day I burnt the lasagna, nearly 3 weeks ago, I couldn’t think about anything else but Edward.
I had read the Twilight books, devoured them actually, more than 2 years ago. I had seen all the movies and had not been captivated by the vampire character so I didn’t know where this was coming from. I vaguely remembered that Edward sang a song at the end of the first movie so I went online and searched for more information. I found a download of all of his songs. I was surprised to learn that he never made a CD. Except for the version of his songs in the movie, all the rest were recorded from open microphone sessions in nightclubs.
I considered myself a bit of a music enthusiast. From grade school through college all my teachers and friends had encouraged me to take up singing professionally. I had been told many times that I had a gift for singing and could quite easily top the charts. That was all well and good if you weren’t the painfully shy type that was struck with crippling stage fright the moment you were left on the stage alone. Put me in a room full of my classmates to sing and I’d blow the doors off the place. Put me on the stage and I was paralyzed. Even today, I could hear a song one time and tell you whether it would do well or not. If a person had talent I always got a tingle up my arms or up the back of my neck. I was always right.
I hooked up my mp3 player to speakers and went to the kitchen to start doing dishes. I didn’t have it quite loud enough to be heard in the kitchen, so I went and turned it up. The man had the longest introductions I had ever heard on any recording. Half way through my living room he began to sing and I haven’t been the same since. His voice had literally stopped me in my tracks. I remember just standing there listening to that soft voice of his singing “Never Think” and feeling weak in the knees. I grabbed onto the back of the sofa so that I could remain standing, with trembling hands and knees I carefully made my way around to the arm of the sofa and sat down. This was far beyond a tingle at the back of my neck.
“WOW’ I whispered. His voice, it was like liquid silk. It poured over me, heart, mind, body and soul like warm honey. It wrapped around me and touched me like nothing ever had. I literally felt my heart tremble in my chest. Before I even had a moment to recover, “Let Me Sign” began to play.
I sat there in awe of Edward’s amazing talent. I was stunned by this man. The lyrics were haunting and beautiful. The way he sang them stirred something deep inside me, called to me in a powerful way that I could not find the words, even now, to express. The longer I listened, the stranger I felt. It was an unfamiliar feeling and yet wonderful at the same time. My ability to breathe was strained.
The song changed yet again and I was about to discover that Edward Cullen had the power to reach down into your heart and soul and caress them both using only his voice. “I’ll Be Your Lover Too” began to play. Once more I was dumbstruck by his voice. He was humming the introduction at first and kind of giggling for a moment at the beginning of it. That made me smile and giggle a little too. But then all traces of laughter left his voice and he sang the words, “I’ll be your man, and I’ll understand, and I’ll do my best, to take good care of you…” I was struck with the overwhelming image of his hand starting at the base of my bare spine and slowly, so slowly, sliding up my back in a lovers caress, his large hands and long fingers taking their time to explore my skin. A powerful tremble ran the length of my spine in reality. I closed my eyes and stilled myself against the images running through my mind. If anything like that would have happened to me BEC (before Edward Cullen), my mind would have screamed WTF! Not now, not anymore. Then he sang the words, “You’ll be Myyyy Queen, and I’ll be your King and I’ll be your Looover too, yes I will, Derry Down green…” and in all honesty, I didn’t remember anything he sang after that. I was overcome with the most vivid and erotic images exploding in my mind. I simultaneously felt like my heart and soul were caving in on me and yet they were soaring at the same time.
Nothing, and I mean NOTHING, in my entire life had ever affected me the way his voice had. To use the words Powerful, Moving, Beautiful, Soulful, Heartfelt, Touching, Enthralling, Hypnotic, Spellbinding, Captivating, they were…Not Good Enough for Edward. Not by a long shot, but they were all that I could come up with. I didn’t think there were any words in the human language that could describe how his music, his voice affected me. That was the first night I dreamed of Edward Cullen.
Over the last three weeks I had really started to think that there was something wrong with me. I couldn’t sleep, literally. I slept 2 to 4 hours a night and that was all. I couldn’t eat. I rarely left my computer and yet I felt perfectly fine. Hell, I’d never been happier! This wasn’t right. Edward Cullen shouldn’t have this kind of power over me. I’d never met the man. I knew I wasn’t crazy. I wasn’t some weirdo or psychopath that was stalking him or out to hurt him. If anything, he was consuming me and I didn’t know how or why. I lived on the internet now. I was going to find the solution to this. I was going to learn all I could about him so I could solve this Mystery and move on with my life!
What a Big Fat Failure that was! I snorted now thinking back on how determined I was on trying to unravel the mystery that IS Edward Cullen. “Backfire!” I said out loud and made exploding noises and then I snicker-snorted. I knew better now. I knew the truth now and even though it explained nothing, it made me feel better to be able to admit it to myself. The truth was that Edward Cullen simply was “Fucking Awesome!” I laughed out loud again. Just saying it made me feel good.
I had searched and searched, spent hours on the net, read one article after another, watched videos and interviews on YouTube and the more I learned, the more I liked about this man. He was humble, modest, self-effacing, respectful, kind, patient and generous with his time towards his fans. He seemed amazed that thousands upon thousands of people came to see him. He still believed that the fans were crazy for the vampire character and it wasn’t really him they came to see. He often blushed at public appearances and had a nervous habit of chewing on his thumb. It tickled me to death to realize that he wasn’t even aware of how damn sexy that looked.
He came from a good family and had been raised with morals and values that were equal to my own. He carried those morals and values with him as he’d grown into a man. That was my great comfort, to learn that he wasn’t 18 or 19 as I had feared. He’d just passed his 25th birthday (I wasn’t a pervert after all I snickered at my conscience). He was a few years younger than I was but I thought that was OK. After all, there wasn’t a snowball’s chance in hell I was ever going to get near a famous person, and someone as famous as Edward Cullen? HA! I had a better chance of winning a multi-billion dollar lottery than I had of getting anywhere near him.Even so , I felt like a cougar but I wasn’t hurting anybody and I had never been happier in my life so what did it matter really?Still, I knew my behavior was bordering on obsession and I had no one I could talk to about it. It bothered me at the oddest times. I would be out getting groceries or paying bills and suddenly feel lonely, FOR Edward! WTF was that? I wondered. I didn’t really know him. I’d never met the man. How could I miss him? How could I feel lonely for him? I missed his face, his smile, his voice.
My greatest relief came about two weeks ago when I stumbled into a website called My Edward on the Web, better known as, “MEoW.” It was a blog run by women for women from all walks of life and of all ages who found themselves exactly where I was at this moment, obsessed with Edward Cullen. “Edsession” they called it or “OCD” Obsessive Cullen Disorder. I laughed at the name but it was true as well as funny. These women were smart, with a wicked sense of humor. And in all honestly, they could get downright raunchy with the things they said. I could never talk the way some of them did but it was funny as hell to read and see how other people reacted to it. They dealt with the “problems” of being “OCD” with a sense of humor and found comfort in knowing they weren’t alone in their feelings for Edward. Their slogan was, “I Do NOT suffer from Obsessive Cullen Disorder! I enjoy it Immensely!” Yup, that about summed it up.
No matter how old you were, you eventually found out that someone was older than you and they had the same feelings. Many fell for Edward as Robert the Vampire in Twilight and then, little by little, they fell for the man, not the character (I took comfort in the fact that, for me, it was always the man and not the character that had taken over my life). Others had been following him since his early days as a child actor. There were others who found him through his music. And then there was me, the new kid. I’d been the new kid a lot in my life. I was used to it but it still made me feel awkward. I was used to that feeling too.
From MEoW, I followed a link to another site I fell in love with called Letters to Edward, or “LTE.” They wrote letters addressed to Edward and then everyone commented on them or wrote their own shorter versions to Edward as a comment. I felt more at home here than at MEoW but I still couldn’t resist the articles they posted.
For the last two weeks I had just “lurked” on their sites. I read old blogs and their comments. I had snagged more than 2,000 photos of “The Pretty”. I loved that name for Edward. It just fit him so well. They also called him “The Precious” that fit as well because, with all of his fame and millions of fans, he still remained disbelieving and modest. That endeared him even more to everyone. I had never met him, I knew I never would and yet I felt blessed to know all this about him. It was so very weird.
While filming the last 2 installments to Breaking Dawn, Bill Condon the director had insisted that all the actors and the entire staff be sequestered on the set and that they tighten security around the compound. There would be absolutely no leaks or sightings of the film or its actors. So, for the last year and a half, Edward had all but disappeared from the public’s view. The fans on almost every site I had visited were in an uproar over it too.
When LTE posted a letter yesterday entitled “What I Miss About Edward”, I had finally gotten brave and posted a few comments myself. Thinking back on it, I couldn’t believe what I had said and admitted to. I could feel the color filling my cheeks just thinking about it. I could be so brave hiding behind the security of my monitor. They were still commenting on the same post today, maybe I’d go back and see what was going on.
“Edward!” Alice practically yelled my name and startled the crap out of me.
“Geez! Alice, I’m right in front of you. You don’t have to yell,” I said. I tossed my cigarette to the ground. I didn’t remember lighting it or smoking it. I pulled my pack from my pocket and lit another.
“Apparently I do,” Alice said. “Bill called the shoot for the day twenty minutes ago and not only have you not noticed, you haven’t moved a muscle. I’ve talking to you for five minutes And you didn’t even know I was standing here. Where were you just now?” she asked. As always, Alice was bright and cheerful. She was practically bouncing on her toes. I glanced around, surprised to see she was right. The crew was packing up the necessities for the night. Bill and Chris were huddled together talking. The other cast members were nowhere to be seen. Well shit!
“Nowhere. Just thinking. Where’s Jasper?” I asked.
“Thinking about what?” Alice asked, her brown eyes narrowing in curiosity.
“Alice,” I said in a warning tone.
“Well it must have been intriguing,” she began. I cut her off mid-sentence with a warning look. “Okay, Okay. Jasper and the others are waiting for you at the trailer.” I groaned inwardly. I didn’t want to see anyone right now.
“Do me a favor?” I asked. Alice cocked her head to one side and waited expectantly. “Run ahead and make some excuse for me? I just want to be alone for a while. Please?” I asked. I hated sending her to do this but I just wasn’t in the mood. It had started out as a bad day and just as it started to get a little better, it went right back into the toilet again.
“Are you not feeling well?” Alice asked. She was putting out her hand to feel my forehead to see if I was running a fever. I ducked my head out of her reach which wasn’t difficult since she was 5’2” and I was 6’1”.
“I’m fine. I’d just like to be alone for a while,” I told her. Truth be told, I couldn’t stop thinking about the blog and the comments I had read. I wanted nothing more than to get back to the computer and finish reading that blog and follow a certain link. That woman’s comment had really gotten to me. Sexy and seductive and yet she had never said a single crude word. Did she have to call herself EdwardsDream-gurl? Did she have to paint such a clear picture? I kept trying to push the image away but it would not go. It was more than just that one thing though. It was the other things she said, the way she had said them.
Oh bloody hell! That was ridiculous. It was just words typed on the screen man! There was no certain way they were said. Let it go! I’d been giving myself this speech all afternoon. My brain wasn’t listening.
Alice nodded once and all but skipped off.
“Alice!” I hollerd when she was a couple feet away. She turned with the grace of a ballerina and waited patiently. “Will you tell Jasper to stop by in a few hours?” I asked, again she nodded and turned to leave.
“Alice?” I said sheepishly. She turned in a graceful and patient twirl then smiled sweetly at me. She knew me so well.
“Thank you.” I told her. She skipped a couple feet back and without a word, wrapped her arms around me and hugged me. I returned the hug and kissed the top of her head. Unlike Rose, Alice only argued over major points. Alice and I usually agreed on everything so we rarely quarreled. I gave her a few minutes head start before I made my way to my trailer.
I showered, shaved and put on comfortable clothes. Logged onto my laptop and grabbed a beer, ashtray and cigarettes. It didn’t escape my notice that I was rushing through my normal habits in order to get back to LTE quickly. I decided not to think about that now. I pushed it aside, intent on making this day end better than it had started. My screen opened up back where I had left off at LTE. I reread the last two posts.
“Chatterbox: I Love MEoW. They’re hilarious! Amazing poem btw. I’d love to see Edwards’s hands tied up with his sexspenders (oh and I have a fetish with Edward’s dirty smoking habit so throw that in too)”
“EdwardsDream-gurl: Thank you! *Blushing* Don’t feel bad I do too. Sofa King Hawt!! I’d Love to give him a reason to truly enjoy a smoke ifyaknowwhatimeanandithinkyado! Lol. If you’re interested, there’s another poem about Edward here. (link) It’s a serious one though based on the lyrics to his song “Never Think”.
I had missed that remark about enjoying a smoke earlier. I could feel the smile that tugged at the corners of my mouth. She was implying so much without stating it bluntly. Naughty without vulgarity. I liked that very much. There it was again! That Sofa King comment, WTF did it mean? They always changed the end of it Sofa King Hawt, Sofa King Much, Sofa King Cool, Sofa King Rocks, Sofa King Bad, WTF did it mean? I scrolled through the rest of the comments but there wasn’t anything else from my girls. Oh wait! There was one last one…from her.
“EdwardsDream-gurl: Sorry ladies, dang! I jizzytyped that just thinking about him singing!!See EC, I told ya he gets to me with that sexy voice! Gaah! Edward, Singing=HEAVEN ON EARTH!!!
(or talking or laughing or sighing or giggling *SWWOOON*)”
Jizzy typed. That was still one of my favorites. Well I could say one thing for her, I never sang as a character in a movie. My singing had all been done before I got into movies. Sexy voice, snort. Not! If she liked my singing then she wasn’t talking about any character, she was referring to me for sure. I clicked the link wondering where she was going to take me. As I was waiting for the link to connect, I was vaguely aware that I was picking up their lingo and using it. I rolled my eyes at myself. I think I was enjoying these ladies too much.
The link opened onto a new website I had never seen before. My song “Let Me Sign”, with me singing it, was playing. My face was staring back at me from a banner at the top. I scrolled down to find a poem.
“Let Me Sign”
Sitting beneath the broken tree,
All twisted up in silks of black,
My soul silently cries out,
And tears slip from my eyes.
My Heart feels the sorrow,
Your voice so beautifully expresses,
That Mournful cry that is in,
The Elegant Grace of your voice.
And I am Entwined in you,
Eternally connected by the,
Soulful mourning in your voice.
“Let Me Sign, Let Me Sign,”
For I’ll never other-wise be safe,
You have wrapped me
In more than your arms,
I am enveloped in your voice,
Embraced in your soul,
Held Captive by an
Inner and outer beauty,
Too Elegant to express,
With the simple vocabulary
Of a mere human.
“Let Me Sign, Let Me Sign.”
My heart shudders,
For I hear in the Beauty of your songs,
The sorrow you hide from the world,
It seeps out sometimes, In the photos,
But you recover it well,
With a smile that could make the angels,
Forget where their loyalties lie.
It’s true though it pains me to say, YOU dazzle us all,
And for a while I am dazzled too and
The joy of your beauty is boundless,
But then I remember that beautiful voice,
And the mournful undertones,
And then I am not only dazed by you,
But I am captivated down to the depths of my soul,
Where only your sweet, sorrowful voice can reach
So “Let Me Sign, Let Me Sign,”
I can’t fight the devil,
When he puts the angels to shame.
I close my eyes and that voice,
Is like the slightest brush
Of your fingers across my skin,
And for a moment with my eyes closed,
It feels it as though you’re there.
I can see it in my mind and I carry the images with me
As though they were real.
Then the song begins anew and there it is again,
That Mournful Moan,
And I see you lean in against me,
Brush my hair off my shoulders
And kiss the curve of my neck,
Yes, I could melt into your eyes,
Into your touch, for Heaven knows,
I’ve already melted into
The Beauty of your face,
The Richness of your soul,
And God, knows into
The Elegant Grace of your voice,
“Let Me Sign, Let Me Sign”
You hitch your leg around me,
Pull me close, and then we sigh.
I can’t fight the devil,
When he puts the angels to shame.
“Let Me Sign, Let Me Sign,
Just Let Me Sign.”
“Holy Bloody Hell!” I jumped out of my seat and began pacing the floor. I raked my fingers through my hair time and again. The woman could paint a fucking picture with her words like nothing I had ever seen before. The problem was she was using my mind as the canvas. I grabbed a cigarette, lit it and continued to pace the floor. Why? Why was this one woman getting to me? It didn’t make sense. I had been reading these blogs almost daily for months. Some of the comments were very explicit, leaving absolutely no question as to the writer’s intent. So it made no sense as to why this woman’s mildly suggestive comments would put such vivid images into my mind and cause such a reaction in my body.
I returned to the table and crushed out my cigarette. ‘Twisted up in silks of back’. My mind jumped to an image of her lying across a bed in a long black silk negligée’, the fabric clinging to long shapely legs. She’s softly crying while listening to my music. ‘Mournful Cry’ and ‘Elegant Grace’ the words she used to describe my singing were very flattering. I was touched by her words though I thought she was being too kind.
‘And I am Entwined in you, Eternally connected by the, Soulful mourning in your voice.’ The image changed to include me lying there beside her, wrapped up in a tangle of arms, legs, black silk and bare skin yet more than just a physical connection.
‘Inner and outer beauty, Too Elegant to express,’ “Well, you’re doing a great job of it,” I said. She thought I was elegant and beautiful inside and out? I knew nothing of what she looked like but this was definitely the workings of someone with a beautiful heart and soul.
‘My heart shudders, for I hear in the Beauty of your songs, the sorrow you hide from the world, It seeps out sometimes, In the photos,’ Her heart shudders, because of my music? Wow. She was right though, about the bluesy music. I couldn’t sing like that unless I was in the right mood. There were some photos of me where I wished I could have been in a nightclub singing instead of in a photo shoot. How could she see and know all this about me from a photo and a song? Moreover, how could she express it all so beautifully?
‘With a smile that could make the angels, Forget where their loyalties lie.’ That was a beautiful line. I was completely flattered by this. And this one too, “I am captivated down to the depths of my soul, Where only your sweet, sorrowful voice can reach,’
‘I close my eyes and that voice, Is like the slightest brush Of your fingers across my skin, And for a moment with my eyes closed, It feels it as though you’re there. I can see it in my mind and I carry the images with me As though they were real. “Yeah, I will too Now,” I said to my monitor. ‘That Mournful Moan, And I see you lean in against me, Brush my hair off my shoulders And kiss the curve of my neck,’ Awww, man did she have to use the word Moan? I felt my body tense at the images and her choice of words. I could see this so clearly, she’s sitting on the bed, her knees drawn up to her chest hugging them. I kneel down behind her, leaning against her slightly as I moved her long glorious hair off her shoulders. The thin strap of her negligee sliding off her delicate shoulder, my hands caressing up her arms as I bend down to kiss the soft white skin of her neck and shoulder. I catch the strap of her gown with my thumb and… “Shit! Shit! Fuck! and Damn!”
‘You hitch your leg around me, Pull me close, and then we sigh.’ I saw this all too vividly as well and my body now ached with wanting it all to be real. Here. NOW! I can’t fight the devil, When he puts the angels to shame.’ I was sure as hell wrestling with the devil now.
I read the poem again for the third time and came up with the same results, Awed, flattered, touched, curious, blind-sided, and turned the fuck on! “Shit! Shit! Fuck! and Damn!” I said out loud. I smacked my laptop keyboard. I must have hit an action key because the screen returned to LTE. And of course it returns to this post…
Somebody up there must hate me, I thought.
“Problems, brother?” Jasper asked as he entered my trailer.
“Yes, damn it! No,” I corrected, “Just irritated at the confinement, Jazz, nothing major.”
“It must be something if you’re abusing your laptop and cussing.” He replied, staring at me curiously. Not wanting to get into this subject with Jazz or anyone else, I changed the subject.
“You’ve been on these fan sites Jazz, do you understand all these abbreviations they use?” I asked.
“I know almost all of them but I can’t seem to wrap my head around this one for some reason. They keep changing the end of it,”
“Which one?” Jasper asked, leaning over my shoulder to search the screen.
“This one,” I replied, pointing at the screen. “Why do they keep calling me a Sofa King?” The laughter exploded from Jasper in loud guffaws. In all the time I’d known Jasper I’d never heard him laugh that loud or that hard. He clutched his stomach and doubled over with it. Still laughing, he made his way over to the sofa before he fell down. Alice came in and looked around at Jasper and then back at me smiling.
“I brought you some food, Edward. What’s so funny?” She asked, her smile starting to shatter into giggles at her husband.
“Thank you Alice. I have no idea. I asked him a question and this was my answer.” I said, gesturing towards Jasper’s doubled over figure on the sofa. I couldn’t help the smile that was breaking across my face. It was so rare to see Jasper this way.
“Oh God!” he tried to speak between gasps for air, “you’re too much Edward!” Alice looked at me quizzically and I shrugged in response.
“What was your question Edward?” Alice asked me in a sincere voice.
“I asked him if he knew what this phrase meant.” I replied, pointing to the words on my screen. Jasper began laughing all over again in earnest. He was now sprawled across the sofa kicking his legs. Alice looked at the screen then looked at me and her smiled burst into a giggle. She covered her hand with her mouth to stifle it.
“What?” I demanded with a smile at the two of them.
“You really don’t know?” Alice asked between giggles. I gave her a look that should have sobered the both of them but it only made them laugh more. I sighed heavily and sat back in my chair knowing there was nothing I could do until they were over the giggles. I’d been through this on the set and knew anything that was said would just make it worse. Eventually, they sobered enough to talk.
“Edward, they aren’t calling you a Sofa King,” Jasper said, struggling to keep a straight face as he said the words. Alice slapped her hands over her mouth when she heard what he’d said. I sat there looking at him expectantly.
“Say it,” Jasper told me. I looked at the words on the monitor, it still didn’t make sense.
“Say it. Out loud.”
“Sofa. King.” I said.
“Sofuking” I said, getting exasperated at the entire situation.
“Keep saying it and add ‘Hawt’ to the end of it as fast as you can.” Jasper said.
“Sofukinghawt.” I heard something in it that time that I hadn’t heard before.
“SoFuckingHot!” My eyes opened wide as realization dawned on me. “So Fucking Hot!?” I smacked myself in the forehead when it finally hit home. *Face-Palm* as my girls said so often. Alice and Jasper dissolved into giggles yet again.